How (not) to bodge a dodgy mudguard

The bolts on Pete's rear mudguard stays decided to fly away resulting in hideous noises as the guard rubbed on the tyre and stays clattered against spokes. With no tools to effect a repair or actually remove the damn thing this seemed like a reasonable thing to do at the time! My guess is that it'll still be like that when the rest of the bike dies (the tightarse).